Friday, May 18, 2018

A decade of motherhood

Dear Xav and Vera,

It has since been a decade, I was given the opportunity to play the role of a mum and yes a role which had never cross my mind, a Stay-at-home-mum, until both of you came into my life.

Before I got married to your daddy, all I know how to cook was instant noodles, I did not even know how to cook rice. Meals were conveniently packed from hawkers or lovingly cooked by your late great- grandmother or your por por would just cook a soup and we would have it by just pouring it over the rice. 

I was totally clueless on how to look after little human beings, I did not know I would "survive" for these 10 years, the strength, definately came from you both. To be a Stay-at-home-mum is by choice, I am willing to give up my earning power in exchange of staying home to be with the both of you. I was blessed, your daddy supported my decision fully even though he would prefer me to stay home only after you all start official school. Mummy's thought was, I would love to be with the both of you the moment you were borned, to be there to witness every milestone you unlocked. 

10 years, I learnt to pick up whatever I need to learn. Over the years, I learnt how to cook, to sew ( okay, I still suck at it), to teach ( yes till now I am still trying my best to learn and teach), I even attended parents workshop to try and understand your curriculum so that I can guide you along if necessary, as much as we can, we are still trying to maintain our tuition-free goal.  Everyday, I am learning, learning how to be a better mum. 

I have my own expectations on how you both are going to be taught and brought up because I knew that your grandparents loved both of you dearly and would not bear to punish both of you when it comes to discipline. Hence, I am the disciplinarian at home, always putting up a stern front.

Xav, I will not forget that noon after I picked you from school. We were waiting for the LRT when you posed me a question, which was meant to be a joke with a typical lame answer. I could not hold back and I broke into a laugh.  You said to me " Mummy, finally I see your smile. It is so hard to make you smile."
On the spot, tears were slowly welling up and I was trying to hide my teary eyes from you. I felt like I was too stern and strict with you, it seemed like from your words you have been trying so hard to make me smile. I am sorry that my expectation of you being the older sibling would be much higher as you have to be the role model for Vera to learn from.

Thank you for continuing to love me despite I was a mom-ster most of the time (scolding, nagging, dagger stares). I loved to receive all your hugs and good night kisses at the end of the day and for myself, to be available whenever I am needed for the both of you till the day you no longer needs me. I would still love to carry you as long as I can. You were so happy yesterday when I was able to carry you up with one hand and snap a quick photo and I am sorry that you have to be trained to be independant much earlier than your peers. Do you know that I am actually very proud of you and your independance. Thank you for taking it on with much courage and confidence.

Vera, you have never failed to make us break into a smile or laughs with your dance. You know when to keep quiet when you can sense a storm brewing. You tend to hug my face and lean your face near to mine in the mornings when I wake you. Now, you start showering me with "I love you, mummy" followed by a kiss on my cheeks just so abruptly.

Towards you, I am always having that guilt in me,  the guilt for not giving you enough attention in terms of everything. You do not have the luxury to try out everything just like your brother, infact it is none at all. I do not have enough time to sit down and teach you like the way I did with your brother in his prschool years, I am seriously very guilty of this.

I hope I can help ease you smoothly into the official school in 1.5 years time, this period we will just try our best of what can be done. Learning and attending school should be an enjoyable journey for now and the many years to come. Just be who you are, work on your strength to excel and be your cheerful and happy self always.

For this mother's day, allow me to have my bragging rights but I will only just brag for today. For taking on everything all by myself when it comes to the needs and looking after the both of you without any help from anyone, an expectation I set for myself to be a sahm. The journey has been tiring yet rewarding at the same time.

To all other mums out there, be it you are a sahm (Stay-At-Home-Mum), Ftwm (Full Time Working Mum), PTWM (Part Time Working Mum) or a WFHM (Work From Home Mum), here's wishing all moms out there and myself a Happy Mother's Day. You all have been awesome!


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